A note before this one: I'm not a medical professional, and nothing below is medical advice. This is a recounting of my own experience, nothing more. If any of this resonates and you want to actually pursue it, please talk to a licensed therapist. Psychology Today's therapist directory is a real place to start looking, and if picking up the phone feels like its own hurdle, I wrote a script for that call too.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Again, wtf does that mean?
Below are all of the invaluable books that helped me identify what was hindering any progress with my mental health. I strongly suggest you read them, as they explained not only the physical effects of trauma on the body, but current therapies that are actually giving relief to those suffering from its symptoms. Since that's probably TL:DR, here's the elevator pitch. This is the first in a series on what's actually helped, see the full rundown of modalities on Resources.
The way I describe EMDR to the hundreds of people who have asked me about it: if my brain is my house, before EMDR I lived in a 300sqft studio with one window, boasting a view of a brick wall in an alley where drunks relieve themselves. After EMDR, I live in a 30,000sqft warehouse. The total mental paralysis I suffered all of the time no longer happens. Now I have what feels like infinite space and capacity to think, feel, process and work.
When we experience trauma, the side of our brains that processes time shuts down completely. This is why during a PTSD flashback, the memory is not a memory but an immersion. Our brains aren't able to tell the rest of our bodies that whatever happened is over. With the use of bilateral (side to side) stimulation, the mind is able to reconcile the negative thought associated with the memory and the current situation. For example: the negative thought "I am in danger" ideally will move toward "It's over now."
If you're reading this and are thinking, well I've never been in real danger, this isn't for me, you and I are the same. Now take a moment to glance through this list and ask yourself if you've ever experienced any of those. We might still be the same. Shame and beliefs of worthlessness can be just as debilitating as fear.
Working with a professional who administered bilateral sensory stimulation, such as side-to-side eye movements, audio tones, or light tapping, gave me significant relief, and quickly. Some memories, events, and beliefs are stronger than others, and may take more than one session before the majority of the symptoms dissipate. I cannot promise you that all of this will go away. I can, however, tell you that after probably 100 sessions of EMDR, I am unrecognizable to myself, friends and family.
Wanna try it, low stakes, no commitment? Find an EMDR or bilateral stimulation playlist and listen to it with headphones when a particular belief becomes overwhelming. I still do sessions of EMDR with my licensed therapist, because god damn sometimes life just doesn't stop. I also supplement this at home, by myself, by listening to bilateral playlists through headphones while I journal. I am already processing through the writing, but the side to side stimulation keeps whatever is upsetting from lingering.